My sweetest downfall

Steven asked me if I would ever love a boy... or was it date one? Fuck one?
Regardless, I told him "Perhaps, but I think they'd have to be quite feminine - I'm attracted to traits and physicalities that are inherently female." (I give myself too much credit, I answered drunkenly and probably not as concisely. Gist. Set. Match. Move on.)

I spent last night with my first love.
I've been remembering. Ages 13 and 14. He was the taller of us at the time, though I, as ever, the stronger. Long, blond hair. Sculpted hips. Beautiful, in a crooked-teeth can't-help-but-grin-back at you sort of way.
And we were maddeningly first-time-ever in love.

Gender be damned we were gay, but not in the way everyone thought. Not in a way even we knew.

One was never seen without the other and now, holding him once again last night, I recalled that inexorable connection - I realised that my body knows him better than I. It always has.
Breathing in his tight black singlets and the night air took me back into tents and upon rooftops. To trees and cement and half-built houses with the wonder of discovering one another and skirting around unseen elephants that crowded our rooms.

I know what it is like to love a boy. What it was like to date a boy, even in girls clothing. And, of all those I have loved, the first cut was truly the deepest.
I love him with my soul, but not my mind.
In the morning I am off, to places he cannot, and would not want to follow.

Yes, I know what it is like to date and love and fuck a boy. All be it a boy of unconventional type.
His skin is burned into mine as a message of what always will and will not be.
















(Steven Mitchell Wright - so that this may show up when you google yourself)

The money I save won't buy my youth again

I feel stuck. Torn between all the things I want to do and all those I know I do not want and unsure how to get what I think I need within a timeframe I am happy with. I cannot see solutions. Too many options with simultaneously too much information and not enough; how to sort through what is there to find what is relevant eludes me and there is Just So Much. Where are the people that Know and Can Help? Does it even matter??

I'm talking about Uni and moving. Plans for my future. How to afford it all, how to even get in (the application dates are closing in fast), how to set up life so I don't want to abandon it all and live in the forest as a hermit.
Mostly it's fears for money and time and the uncorrelatable want for both.

Though I do not feel trapped - Ever since moving from Gympie (where I oft felt stifled indoors and unable to escape) no matter where I end up I feel it is both home and transient, so being trapped is impossible, but I feel I haven't the knowledge and means to do this on my own (within a reasonable time - sure I could learn, but it would add many years of mistakes and meandering).

It's the sustainably.... for years - 5 years full time uni sustainable. The rentals I can find within a reasonable distance from uni are so expensive (darn the campus being right in the heart of the city!!). And alternatives (sharing / boarding somewhere for a bit??) are so hard to find on the Internet - hopefully I can ask other residents down there for advice. I'm considering applying for Government student assistance (a few hundred dollars a fortnight, if I meet their criteria and jump through the hoops) which will help, but there's (understandably) more to it than they can provide.

And what if after all this effort I hate it, or can't do it or... Anything. What if Life occurs?! It does!! And the thought not getting in and of having to spend an extra year when I'm think I'm ready for it now.. it feels like so many cases earlier in my life - I always took my time in making decisions and in once having made them would spend many months/years convincing those I needed for those decisions to catch up with me and by the time I got what I was asking for at first I was way beyond that point and yet already feeling as if I was years behind.
It's like I've let myself down. I made a plan and then allowed myself distraction. Which is part of my greater plan, (Life!) yes... But not ideal as I want.

Fuck this existential crisis stuff. Where's the supersoaker? (see: http://xkcd.com/220/)

It's that thing of the more you can perceive, the more capacity you have for both happiness and sadness.
Yet I don't really feel that brilliant. I get exactly what I expect - everything, and nothing. It's all in my control, yet not at all. And it's so beautiful and fucked up and I can't save the world (even if I save the cheerleader) and really would it be all that different saved? Or perhaps I can save the world and yet I have to crawl through the bullshit first - there has been So Much of it.
Though with every moment a step closer... Yet to what end? Die tomorrow cooking for 18 year olds half way through their degree's?

Nerf gun to the head is an appropriate image - funny, at first, then heartbreaking. Then back to ridiculous and on ad infinitum.

You walk through my walls

like a ghost on TV (you penetrate me)
Sometimes, when I'm riding my bike along the river at night and the water is black and alive with the dancing lights of the city, it feels as if I could just keep on riding off the edge of the pier, out, through the guard rail and across the sparkling blackness.

Cause the smell of her perfume echoes in my head still

The fact that lyrics can rip my heart out through my breath tells us that I have not healed from the wounds we inflicted.

A Mantra written on my wall and tattooed in my mind: You Have Time
Were I a religious man I would pray [prey?] it true.