Every little thing's gonna be alright

4am and I've actually SLEPT lately. Went to bed yesterday morning and didn't let myself get up until now. I needed that hibernation. Feeling immensely better. It was like the long reset I needed.
So I have a list of chores for today and for days to come. But my one, main, key goal (from now until semester ends) is wake up every day at 8am. Despite all other things, out of bed at 8am and no returning to bed until 9pm.
Feeling tentatively excited. Tentatively confident.

But the time together through all the years

Constantly grieving for one of my most formative relationships. It slipped away so gently I didn't even know it had gone at first. Yet now I do, it jarrs against my mind daily. Regret. Guilt. Shame. Sadness.

I feel like I didn't know enough, or do enough... though I know I did as best I could in every moment.

So I'm waiting for the day when I wake up and feel like "okay, that's enough grieving."


(Uni update: Not doing enough, yet not motivated to correct that.)

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

The stars, as always, are breathtaking. Having stared at Vega whilst trying not to blink for over an hour (if I missed a meteor I would've had to wait another 10 minutes!) I had the deep thought that "Wow, they really do twinkle!"
The fact that Mars is clearly Red is amazing; if robotics fails to hold my interest perhaps I should switch my degree to stellar astrophysics? I'll keep that as option C (plan B has, and always will be, piracy on the high seas).

Got my first parking fine, today! I feel like I've made a lot of new mistakes this year... though perhaps that's a good thing? At least I'm not repeating too many old ones.

That said I am currently procrastinating. Tonight's stalling is taking the form of an investigation into why I procrastinate. My theory is if I can understand why I do it (cost/benefit analysis!), I can find better (healthier, easier, less stressful) ways to get all my needs balanced (need for study + need for food/games/actively doing nothing). Sounds good right? And that also makes it easier to justify this form of procrastination. A win-win.... yeah? Maybe.

When tomorrow comes we can do it all again

A four year hiatus and I return to documenting my thoughts on the internet.
I had to search out this old URL in an archived MSN conversation, which is just the right amount of nostalgic and preposterous.

I've just decided I'm going to get in the car, with Conan, and we're going to drive an hour out of the city, to a hill where the satellite map says there are no clouds, and we're going to look for meteors burning across the sky.
This is the turning point I've been searching for. I'm breathing it in.