A function that tends to zero

Lying on my floor contemplating my ceiling fan I remembered asking Kaine last night, "Can I get a Mammoth? I'll call it Snuffy. It can snuff people out."
I wanted to remember that; I imagined myself reading over this in some years time and smiling at the memory.

......
This all feels [transient]. That's the word for it.

It seems as if it's "crunch time" (Self in-joke: Voyager...Harry's 'Ma'am-ing'. Heh.) ; changes are happening and I get to determine the next phase of my life by what I do now.
An "I need an adult" moment. True advice from somebody who knows; has seen enough to assist in clarity, as opposed to adding to the murk. Outside influence. I'm too close to the situation to accurately judge.

I'm a storyteller, and an architect. A genius and a fool.

Pieces of us die everyday

The Inter-Connectedness of All Things

So as unappealing as this is to admit; I can't do this by myself.

I get so frustrated because I know what I want and where I want to be but not the steps to get there. And those I ask either don't know what I'm talking about or don't bother to help me.

I don't mean to insult the 'advice' I'm given or to "bite the hand that feeds" as it goes, but.... perhaps I'm asking the wrong questions.


The fact is that I'm looking in the wrong place entirely for what I want because I don't know where else to go; although I have the mind to know what and where I want I don't have the knowledge of how these things work in enough detail to get it done. I do not approve of this world; moreover, this city/society. I purposely did not learn of its ways because they bother and oft disgust me.

Fine, I made that choice, but now when I choose to buy into it, to use it to get where I wish to go I can't get in because.... fuck, I don't quite know; because it's Irrational. And that's what I never wanted.

The inerrant irrationality of the system. Which I never wanted to know of.... but how do I build my own with no starting point? In the mean-time I have to live and it's the constant battle between truly living 'in the moment' and 'working for my ideals' that I can't sort out because, as I am well aware, they are inherent contradictions.
To "be here now" and to be truly 'happy' requires no thought of what is to come only appreciation of what is.
But to create something truly great requires the opposite; with thought only for the future.... the downfall of this of course is the pure uncertainty of everything; the high possibility of the dream being just that, and lost to random happenstance.

And thus, square one.
But I digress. I need an environment of challenge. In the true sense of the word associated with leaning and growth. Not so much that it kills (or even mildly cripples) me, but enough to force me to grow stronger. There's only so much you can do against yourself and though I do indeed grow daily, it frustrates me to know how much more potential I have.

Help is not on the way

So much has changed....
Well, shifted, really.

To where it's supposed to be... but, well, not quite. Yet.


I have the song "Help Is On Its Way" stuck in my head. It's lies. I know that and yet... if only it were that easy. Though, I don't wish to think that. I am self-made, and it's in the fight that I learn. It's simply the niggiling fear that this might destroy me before it makes me stronger.

I won't let it.

The net is closing in.
I'll break through.