The rape of the world

I am officially disgusted with humanity. Utterly disgusted. I was watching (kind of.. I was actually doodling on a napkin at the kitchen table whilst the TV was on) this idiotic show called "20 to 1 : Tears and Tantrums" and I couldn't believe it, 'celebrities' peoples 'role models' were condoning fighting in parliament, neighbourhood disputes, ad campaigns that show children trowing tantrums that say "Use a condom." Seriously people, what the FUCK? Just when I think humanity has reached its lowest point they break out the shovels.

Why do the babies starve
When there's enough food to feed the world
Why when there're so many of us
Are there people still alone

Why are the missiles called peace keepers
When they're aimed to kill
Why is a woman still not safe
When she's in her home

Love is hate
War is peace
No is yes
And we're all free

But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon

Amidst all these questions and contradictions
There're some who seek the truth

But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon
When the blind remove their blinders
And the speechless speak the truth

I'm.. confused. Annoyed even... Am I the only one that cares? Truly, am I? Damn it, it feels as if there's nothing that can be done. I want to create a utopia.. or at least as near a utopia as I can manage. Seriously, I need economists, sociologists, governmental-ists.. the whole shebang. I want to form a committee to create an ideal society and just set it up - maybe in a country such as Africa. Maybe it could spread from there, and maybe, just maybe this world won't go down the proverbial drain.


On a totally unrelated note: I made a discovery this afternoon... whilst getting together my usual evening cup of tea (I like to put the sugar and milk in the cup first) I decided to drink my sugary milk, to my delight it was delicious! I now know why I like tea, I actually love sugar and milk, the tea just gives it extra (tasty) flavour!

I know, I'm no Superman

Wow. I haven't bloggerised in ages...
Lots of things have happened. I've 'recovered' (mostly) from Sebastian's... death and am trying not to dwell upon it. The deck is coming along awesomely and I am now the proud owner of the Sin City graphic novels 1, 2 and 3. I made my parents watch the movie tonight... Mum spent most of the time 'dozing' because it was 'scary'; when she did watch she asked things like, "Who's he? Didn't he die?" "No Mum, he just got shot six or so times." I don't think Dad particularly enjoyed it either, but oh well, I had fun.

What I wanted to write about was this afternoon - one of those 'things to remember'... I baked cookies (chocolate chip... just made the recipe up as I went along, as usual) then called Nomes and said "I have a Disney movie that needs watching and cookies in the oven, how soon can you be here?" In about 30 seconds she was on her way, and five minutes later I was tackled by a grinning bouncing Nomie asking what movie we were going to see (Atlantis).
It was nice, nothing marvellous happened but we ate our cookies and drank our milk contentedly, happy in each other's company. We also debated who was 'hotter' (animated characters, no less) and, as always, I went for the girl and she went for the boy. :P Heh, some things just don't change... and you know what? I hope they never do.

...watched the light shine down on the broken glass

I just don't know what to say.
To myself.. to anybody.
I feel like sighing and saying "Ho hum" (mostly as it's a funny thing to say but also because I don't think I've ever said that before).

Today so much happened... I just want to write some things down, so that I don't forget.

1. I got to bed quite early this morning and didn't wake up until 10am. I missed Drama, when Quinn and I were to have our picnic. But I got to school, at morning tea, and there she was, smiling at me as she took the jam I offered and sat on the ground with me to eat our scones, laughing at me and asking if I would go to SA staffroom to borrow a knife seeing that I forgot to bring one. The scones were lovely and our little picnic group expanded when Kaihla and Casey joined us. It was nice, and I was content.

2. I got to the Study room and found Quinn's bag which had her school captain badge from 2001 (primary school). I took it and, grinning, pined it to my shirt then lay on the floor next to Nomes (who was reading). She gently played with my hair for ... I don't know how long.. until I fell asleep. I was stirred by voices and semi-opened my eyes to see that Quinny had returned. I smiled and reached up to her (I felt like a little child wanting a hug from their Mummy) then she took my hand and said softly "Stay here baby, I'll only be a minute; just rest." I watched her go and fell back asleep on the floor feeling loved.

3. When Quinn returned we migrated to PA... I was lying on top of the bag racks taking to Nomes (sitting in the rack beneath me) and Quinnabee (back to the wall, facing me) when, for whatever reason, Quinny decided that she would very much like to scream. Nomes agreed that she would too ( I laughed and said 'Don't be silly! You'll get in trouble') and so Quinn counted down "3.. 2... 1... AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Mr Cavinar (holding a class in B6) called me over and got mad at me for screaming I explained that it wasn't me (he couldn't see Nomes or Quinn, because they were hidden by the bag racks) and so he instructed me to pass on the message that screaming is not allowed. Which I did. Quinny promptly decided that as she was not done screaming, we would walk to the car park and scream there. I refused to participate but went with them. Then a year 11 walking past as they were joyously screaming remarked "I'd scream too if I had to look in the mirror and see that face." I turned swiftly, and punched him. I don't even think I properly balled my fist it happened so fast, but I caught his jaw and he instantly recoiled; swearing. Satisfied I'd proved my point I went over to Nomes and Quinn informing them I had defended their honour and rubbing the bruise already reddening my knuckles.
I hadn't punched somebody in over a year. It felt good, especially because I was being 'valiant' and friend-avenging.

4. I skipped merrily over to H block and everybody present indulged me in a hug. I like that.. Ro was explaining to me how she has some sort of 'motherly complex'.. I think I have the opposite, a kind of 'child complex'; I like to be held.

5. I talked to Kirra. Alot. About drawing, writing, music, life, sex**, people, friends.. and then suicide (about Sarah. She assumed I knew, but I had no idea.). I want to talk to her more often. She is amazing, if I didn't already care for her as a friend I think I would get a crush on her (not that I need another one).

** This was a group conversation between Kirra, Ryan, Bridgette and myself. I was shocked that Ryan was the only virgin*and again when I heard what Bridge said about Hannah and Kylie... I always thought they were so innocent.
*I hate that word and what it represents. Virgin. It even sounds stupid. Most of all I hate the knowledge that it hasn't applied to me since I was five years old.
(I don't care how long/rambling/awkward/grammarless any of those sentences were. It makes sense to me)

There was much more that happened today. But that's all I need to remember.
I feel a little better now. Not quite so drained.

Throw me away

Ugh... I'm so all over the place lately; one minute I'm singing and dancing joyously to The Cure, then the next I'm sulky and annoyed with myself... nothing seems good enough, no matter what I do, and the bouts of happiness are fleeting. I'm tired, but I can't sleep.. and even when I do I wake up tired. I need help.. I need to regain the excitement and joy... I need to learn how to fucking draw, I want to do this so badly.. but no matter how I try it never comes out any where near as good in my head. I'm going to let my beloved Kaylie down.. I just can't seem to do her story justice...

The song 'File 13' (a particular favourite of mine, I must admit) truly applies...
I sleep until there is no light. I'm wide-awake all through the night. Dinner may suck but I'll take a bite, I'll do whatever I can. My muscles stiffen through the day. Discomfort never goes away. Someone should throw me away. I feel like a garbage can. Throw me away, I've got no use. Throw me away, I'm nothing to loose. Throw me away, I feel like shit. I am useless. I know I know nothing at all I'd take a stand but I know I'd fall. I'd run head-down into a wall and watch my blood run faster. Girls laugh and pass me on the street. I spook out everyone I meet. I've got pink toenails on my feet. I'm such a fucking master. Throw me away, I've got no use. Throw me away, I'm nothing to loose. Throw me away, I feel like shit. I am useless. I never seem to feel well. I always seem to look like hell. It seems that everyone can tell my mind is going numb. My Mom thinks I wear women's clothes. I get dogged on at all the shows. It seems that everybody knows, I look like a fucking bum! Throw me away, I've got no use. Throw me away, I'm nothing to loose. Throw me away, I feel like shit. I am useless!

I wish I could be the artist that everybody tells me I am.

*sigh* I need to get out of this rut.
I'm going to get Jam and make Quinny some chocolate for our picnic tomorrow. She promised to make me scones... hopefully that will cheer me up. Now all I have to do is survive until then.