Frankness (a.k.a. honnesty)

(the first post in forever without lyrics as the title)

2:10am

I want to be that person… the one people think of and smile. The one they refer to fondly.. even though they haven’t seen me for years, and probably never will again. I want to be loved, respected… most of all I want to KNOW, beyond all self-doubt that I am worth it. Just worth it, worth being alive, worth eating plants and animals that have to die for my food, worth the heart-break of my loved ones when I die, worth being the kid that was always thinking and talking and running.. or just walking. Just worth being alive. That’s what I want.

I like breathing.

I want somebody to write the sort of thing that Hunter S. Tompson’s wife wrote about him ( "...He told me 25 years ago that he would feel real trapped if he didn't know that he could commit suicide at any moment. I don't know if that is brave or stupid or what, but it was inevitable. I think that the truth of what rings through all his writing is that he meant what he said. If that is entertainment to you, well, that's OK. If you think that it enlightened you, well, that's even better. If you wonder if he's gone to Heaven or Hell —rest assured he will check out them both, find out which one Richard Milhous Nixon went to —and go there. He could never stand being bored. But there must be Football too —and Peacocks..."), but of course, about me. I mean, I want them to know me that well... know that I adore tea for it's 'sugary milk', to know that I giggle endlessly at pointless things just because I like to giggle, to know that I planned to carve my own gravestone because I thought that I could do it justice (I wanted the Art Of Drowning angel grave).. I just want somebody who knows me to hold me at night and to love me. To love me and to know enough about me that I no longer have to explain myself, that they have a free invitation to my world at anytime, as long as they love me.

Quinn and I were talking about ‘fear’ last week… and I couldn’t come up with anything that I was really, truly afraid of. I mean, yes there are many things that I greatly dislike (cruelty for example would be right at the top of the list… possibly followed by the death of somebody I adore – that thought made me sad) but nothing I am unreasonably afraid of. Death? No.. not even death. I don’t want to die… simply because I don’t think I’ll ever “finish” living… there’s just so much out there… I could never get sick of this world. Never. That is why I intend to live forever. For I have no doubt that it can be done.

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3:49am

I was just sitting and ‘fantasizing’ (more ‘considering’ really) what I would do if a large, relatively ugly man suddenly appeared in the doorway I was staring at and tried to attack me with an axe. I decided it would be best if I ran at him then ducked so he got his axe stuck in the wall whilst I ran upstairs and alerted my family... I’m glad I’ve got a plan.. that situation could be quite ‘hairy’ (not in the literal sense of course). Now I’m paranoid and I keep glancing over to the doorway as I type.. I think I’ll go to the kitchen and get another glass of water.

I must have seen 50 LEDs from various electrical objects shining back at me during my journey from the soft orange glow of the refrigerator light (which lasted only as long as it filled my glass of water) to the friendly, clean light of the computer screen. Oh dear computer.. I wonder how many countless weeks we have spent together over the years. I will miss you when I leave.

I just found a packet of gum! Fantastic!