We choose between reality and madness

"I find myself stumped on something I'm trying to say" -Jason Webley

The following is an e-mail I wrote to Steven Mitchell Wright -Zen Zen Zo Teaching Artist- of my recent thoughts. I shan't send because in writing it, it served it's purpose... (the only thing it's missing is the word "discombobulating") ... Also, in the spirit of "truthfulness", another reason I won't send it is that I think I already know the answers... but I'm not comfortable with them. Not to mention the whole thing is written in the style of Buffalo buffalo Buffalo ect; Wank wank Wank wank wank wank (rec).
Perhaps the main reason, however, I'm not sending this is because I want his respect. And showing my 'doubtful, always questioning' side isn't something I do until I've determined I have that persons trust in me equal to my trust in them.

Steven,

I have not decided I will send this yet, but am writing it anyhow. As an experiment. As a form of expression. And, perhaps, as a way to figure out what I actually think about things. Setting them all out in the order that can only really be achieved through a typed letter. E-mail, I know, is a rather... impersonal medium (indeed, I don't even know if you check yours) but, never the less, I carry on.
First of all, let me start with what I'm after in sending this: I've been thinking quite a bit of late and I'd like to present my ideas to somebody I trust and respect and to say; "this is what I've come up with and I'd like you to tell me if I'm being absurd, please. Impart wisdom. Be nostalgic, I just want your opinion."
I hope that's not out of line and unfair to ask of you, but as I look to you as a 'teaching' figure (of sorts) it seemed appropriate. Also, a lot of the issue's I've been pondering have come up in Butoh classes and it seems natural to ask you in regards to them...
I believe what I need right now is down to earth, frank, "truthful" (we'll get to why I put that in inverted comma's in a minute), sensible discussion.
Prior to plunging on any further, I should perhaps provide you with some more 'back story'...
What you told me when I asked for help (or rather, looked pathetic and waved my arms in a defeated manner... I didn't even allow myself to voice it) after class this week wasn't... it wasn't what I was seeking. Though it was doubtless something that did indeed help, I already knew it. I could have sorted myself out without your input in that regard - not that I don't value it; I do. (Before I go any further I'd like to thank you. Deeply. "Truly" -if you will- for how far I've come due to your classes. Thank you, Steven.) I think what I actually wanted to ask was something along the lines of what's written above "I've thought about truth, I'm having difficulty, would you mind hearing me out and telling me your thoughts, please?"

Ok, enough preamble; truth.
I've always thought something 'true' was... inexorable. Yet these days I have such control over myself (and therefore, in turn, my world) it feels like everything has to be manufactured. Or, even if it isn't manufactured, I still have the ability to step in at any moment and alter it so it becomes so.
That is not inexorable. That does not seem like truth. Isn't truth unavoidable? Untameable? Something that you simply MUST do?
Is everything an act? Nobody is simply one dimensional, one person... they change, situation to situation, encounter to encounter ("We are what our situations hand us").
What is "being yourself"? Am I myself? (I seriously had to fight the urge to type "How am I not myself?" just then; it seemed rather cliché... is all of this cliché?) I don't understand.... I mean.. what if EVERYTHING is an act.. because it is really, isn't it? Just in varying degrees. ("All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts")
My every behaviour is measured and calculated within the boundaries that have been set up over my lifetime and as those boundaries and rules change constantly, I adapt to them; learning. Changing. There is no constant. So how can I be "myself" if I'm not sure what that is... or even if it exists..? Every thing's entirely under my control. And perhaps that's the point. Perhaps that's what I've been inadvertently working towards, which is fair enough, but, now that I'm here, how do I deal with such a thing?
Truth is elusive. Truth is fleeting. And, to tell the truth, I don't even know where to find it any more.

I think this also came about because I was finding things "Too easy"... almost "Too beautiful." I missed the fire. The struggle. The "I have to fight my way through this" and the feeling of being "alive" it brings with it. For some reason I'm now thinking of the phrase "Everyone learns faster on fire".
One of my favourite pieces of advice I've ever gotten was "Get over yourself." I need to remember that. I need to let go. I realise how self-indulgent this is of me, so I shall wrap up now.

I'd like to claim the above was written whilst drunk... or affected by some thing in some way - to say that it wasn't all "truth" and to pass it off so as to protect myself from hurt; in case you neglect to reply, or care, or any of the situations wherein the outcome could be considered "bad"... but I shan't, because I am not.
Admittedly it is rather early in the morning and I am without sleep, but that is not unusual, and hardly an "excuse for pouring my heart out".
Finally, I apologise for my garrulous nature and hope that, in the very least, this letter was not a waste of your time, for I do not believe it was a waste of mine.

Sincerely,

-Frin