If I could fall, into the sky, do you think time, would pass me by

Wow... long time no post.
There was Small Stomp with ZEN ZEN ZO (see also: the most intensly awesome week of my life!!! I mean, WOW.), then the Gold Coast, then Christmas... and in between .. well, every time I went to post something I just ended up writing an e-mail to Kaylie... so, I guess I shall blame her for my lack of presence. :P

I don't really want to say much about today other than: FUCKING OWW!!

Exhibit A:

(head is tilted back... the injury is on the bottom of my chin)

Exhibit B:

(subject is in too much pain to do anything other than raise left eyebrow and look pitiful - Note: the Davey Havok resemblance)
javascript:void(0)
I bought myself Sims 2 Pets on my way home from the hospital as a sort of "Congratulations, you're alive!" thing (Kaine sold it to me at Staff price which made me feel a bit better)... I guess I shall go back to playing it.

You're just jelous 'cuz we're young and in love

"It’s all I’ve seen, all I’ve been through,’ I said, ‘that makes it damn near impossible for me to say anything. I’ve lost the knack of making sense. I speak gibberish to the civilised world, and it replies in kind.’"

"It’s no doubt a great flaw in my personality but I can’t think in terms of boundaries. Those imaginary lines are as unreal to me as elves and pixies. I can’t believe that they mark the end or the beginning of anything of real concern to the human soul. Virtues and vices, pleasures and pains cross boundaries at will."

Will we survive it out there, will we make it somehow

It's over. As of 11:00, my enrolment in James Nash State High School has been TERMINATED! For I, Frin Doustable, HAVE GRADUATED!! YES!! Now I must go to Par-tay!!
FWEEEEEEE

***Photo's from the park***

Court and I in our senior jerseys... why yes, we do look like footballers!

My graffiti "FRIN DOUST Graduation Day 17.11.2006"
(that's my school shirt over my right shoulder if you were wondering)


Somebody saw Kylie... so I tried to get her attention. When that failed, I rugby tackled her. Dusty got this awesome "action shot".


Group photo: some of us "graduates" that showed up at the park.
(back row - left to right) Kelly, Nikki, Rosheen, Alex, Dusty, Drew,
(in front of Drew ect) Theresa, Lesleigh, Michelle, Jess, Ashleigh
(in front of them/bending over Tref) ME!
(kneeling) Melinda, Stevie, Trefyn
(lying down) Courtney

Let's do the time warp again!

Today (technically 'yesterday', it's 1am-ish now), the last full day of school, was actually kind-of fun. I mean, don't get me wrong, a lot of it sucked, but it could have been worse. Apparently "English final assessment - Drama Workshop Day" is usually fraught with disaster, however, this year it wasn't too bad. Our class (named "Cyber Sex" - for we are the Internet Correspondence English class) was the only performance that didn't have cross-dressing boys (I think there were at least 12 boys in skirts or dresses... one of Jim's boobs fell out of his top and it was quite amusing), condoms (which, of course were blown up and battered around the audience for the rest of the day), or any other such thing (though Riley did manage to ad-lib many sexual references into his scenes). The costuming was good (most were rather scantily clad, but it was amusing no less. OH! And Victor! So unexpectedly muscular! I never really noticed but when he was running around in a mini skirt and pink singlet one couldn't really help it.. I think he's joining the Army.. well, good luck to him anyway, he will always be "Princess" to me), the props worked and aside from the fact that some people were absent the dances went relatively well. I was actually impressed by my grade (something that doesn't happen often... perhaps it was because I had such low expectations of them).
Funnily enough, my favourite moment of the entire day was when Nikki did my face paint. Oh how I adore body paint!! It smells and feels so awesome! I still haven't washed it off and I shan't for another few hours. I like the feeling of it on my skin, tugging ever so slightly with each facial expression. *sigh* Yes, Zen Zen Zo, if you paint me then I will be yours forever.

In other news, I have re-gained my love of Star Trek Voyager… not that I ever actually lost it, but I hadn't watched it for a good few years.
I have also come to the conclusion that it is in part responsible for my fascination with space, physics and therefore Operation D.O.O.M.

If you steal my sunshine

Lara's birthday party was this weekend. It was really, really fun. Alas there wasn't a 6 hour Uno game like last time but it was essentially the same party. Before I went to sleep I lay there thinking about how much we have all changed over the past year and how, despite all those changes we still relate to each other in the same way... there was the same water fight and the same piling on top of each other to watch Disney movies. Explaining is complicated, sufficed to say it was just nice to think about it.

On an entirely unrelated note:
This afternoon I took a beautiful apricot rose from my garden and rode my bike to the cemetery. I then chose a grave at random (Sydney Arthur "Sid" Grey - Died April 2006, aged 78years) and sat and talked for an hour and a half.

Don't let it go to your head

I am having the most wonderful time at the moment researching JELLYFISH (of all things!). You see, whilst reading through Bill Bryson's (bless him) book about Australia I came across the wondrous fact that there is a type of jellyfish called the "Snottie", and I then realised that I had absolutely no idea what it looked like. Upon further reflection I found I knew very little about the creatures (what they eat... or even HOW they eat was a mystery to me until a few minutes ago - dear Google, what don't you know?) -I really only knew how to identify and treat various stings by about 6 or so different ones found commonly in Australian waters- and thus my quest to discover more began. I have now learnt the meanings of many 'new' and interesting words (that I feel I probably should have already known... but it's 'never too late' I guess) such as "sessile" and "nematocyst" (I was then -by means of 'Hydra' the genus Bluebottles belong to- lead to concepts such as "senescence" and "biological immortality"; yet more intriguing stuff!!). Did you know that jellyfish have no lungs or gills or any sort of respiratory system because they have no need for one? Isn't that cool? Their skin is so thin that the oxygen is just absorbed; as if by accident... 'Oh hello there oxygen molecule!! Come on in! Allow me to keep living!' *chuckles* Absolutely marvellous! But I should get back to bed so that I may ponder many more things to do with these fascinating creatures and eventually attempt to sleep. Goodmorning!!

My parting thought; A group of jellyfish is often called a "smack." How delightful (in a semi-drug-reference-ie sort of way)!! :D

I like to move it, move it

(gah, I've been listing to that stupid song from the matagascar movie all afternoon. Cursed rehersals!!)



Also,

Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot
I know of no reason the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

Joyous Guy Fawkes Day to you all (alas I am too sick to concoct any sort of explosion, but I shall have to have a belated 'celebration' after I recover)!


Edited on the 6/11/06 (because I CAN NOT SPELL!)

These sleeping dogs won't lie

Lara, you took a photo of us... still in our singlets and tights, my hands on your shoulder, covered in white paint and glowing from the joy of rehersal.
You had washed your face, but still smelt faintly of sweat, paint, polished wood, carpet and the electrical-fire scent of the bright stage lights.

You are loved. Thank you.
"Fork"

God is empty, just like me

I've been staring at this "compose blog" box for... I don't know how long.
I've gotten a total of almost 6 and a half hours sleep over the past three days. My entire body aches (the sort of pain that permeates right trough your muscles and bones eventually causing a constant throbbing at the base of your neck... like after an OD or something similar). I'm so tired I don't realise my eyes are closed until I notice how dark it is... Yet sleep will not come.
Not that I deserve it.
Fuck. I'll explain in the morning. Right now I'm going to go upstairs and try to pass out on my bed (despite both the parents and the sibling blasting their music... it may just be possible. Oh god. I need morphine, or some other form of opiate).
*
Hannah, you were a manipulative cunt to me.

The scurge of every sea

Finally, Kaylie, here for your viewing pleasure, is: *rumroll* A PHOTOGRAPHIC ACCOUNT OF MY WEEKEND INCLDING (but not limited to) PICTURES THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE MY HAIR IN THEM!!

There were GINORMOUS MOTHS EVERYWHERE:

AS BIG AS MY NECK

AND MY SHOULDER!

And here is:

George the 'Lace Monitor'













a.k.a. Varanus varius
(his spiecies name - we looked him up)

Lara and I - Gangsta times ya'll.

Ro warmed me in her hoodie, so I gave her a kiss.

Nikki on the "log bridge" - i.e. A felled tree with a rope beside it
(I FELL OFF IT and got a rather nasty bruise that covered my entire left knee)

10 out of 10 Alex's reccomend bush walking...
....even if it is DANGEROUS! (I was attacked by a plant, most likely lantana)

This one is blurry. It features (from left to right): Nikki, Me, Ro and Alex

(the horizontal one above us is Lara - I don't know who was sitting in the chair)

There is another photo... but I will spare you it. It came about when somebody said something about 'hands' and 'pants' (I can't remember exactly) and I replied with "I CAN FIT MY ARM IN MY PANTS!! EVEN WITH BOXERS ON AND MY BELT DONE UP!!" and thus, the photo was taken when I was proving that such a feat was possible.

My dearest Kayable

I apologise that I have not written the story of my glorious weekend for you... my brother was using Larry (his computer broke) and now that I have him (Larry) back, I must get to bed so that I can awake in the morning and go to Cyber English (I am doing it because I get to play a Zombie in our class' performance! WOO!).
Fear not, I shall soon regale you with tales of the red belly black snake I almost stood on, and of George, the lace monitor. Also I shall show you photo's and inform you of THE JIGSAW PIZZLE I BOUGHT FOR MYSELF....
Soon, my lovely, soon.

Te amo, por siempre,
-Frin

Fragments Of Fear

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.....

Title: Fragments Of Fear
Who: James Nash Physical Theatre Troop (my friends and I)
What: A collage movement piece which explores the central concept of 'fear' through a number of different physical styles including Ankoku Butoh, Acrobalence and Ritual Movement.
When: Friday the 3rd of November, 7pm
Where: James Nash SHS Performing Arts Building, Gympie
Cost: $5 (tickets on the door -or- I can reserve you some)

And this is our spiffy little flyer thing:

Please, please, PWEEEEAAAAASSEEEEEEEE come see us!

As the world implodes we fall in to it

I'm feeling very "Australian" today. I have been reading "Down Under" (by Bill Bryson - the wonderful man that wrote "A Short History Of Nearly Everything" - like Discovery Channel... but in a BOOK!) and thus love of my 'sunburnt country' is in overdrive. I made damper. And tea. And sat talking to Roy (I took to referring to him as "mate" often... and talking with a slightly 'nasal'-y tone). It was grand, and I'm only about 30 pages in. (Kaylie, beloved, if you read this go to the library and get it out. Now!)

AND! I think I should own a mass spectrometer. It would make things involving my intense curiosity of everything a lot easier.
On that note, Operation D.O.O.M. goes well. A new theory has been devised and I am delighted to discover that I know more about exploding things than I originally thought (all I need now is to get my hands on some magnesium powder).

When I was young I knew everything...

ARGH! If I'm so smart then why haven't I figured it out? You know, everything... everything I ever wanted to know... I'm filled with questions to which I cannot conceive of answers.. and as badly as I want the answers I am scared that I won't understand...
They tell me test put me in the "genius range with a 93.2% chance of scoring better with successive tests" well I DON'T FEEL LIKE A FUCKING GENIUS. I fell like a frustrated little kid that can remember being laughed at when they were 12... why did Dad laugh at me? Because I was angry then.. I was angry that I had spent MONTHS thinking through my existence and had not come to a solid conclusion. Well it's been over FOUR YEARS and I still don't know. I'm just some, pathetic little animal trying to struggle with "the nature of it's life" like a mouse trying to contemplate and conceptualise the enormity of the grand canyon (I doubt the mouse would be able to come up with bad metaphors, though - *sarcasm*wow, go me I can out think a damn mouse*end sarcasm* I don't like sarcasm... it makes me feel snarky - wrong).

*40 seconds and a complete change in perspective later*
I danced.... standing on the ground... moving through the air... I waved my arms around and enjoyed the feeling of the air... and that's all I need. Ever. The simple things, they're what ground me. They're the answer. They make everything worth it. The simple things that combine together to make that which is complex (there is more to that thought but I fear I am not as literary as I should need to be to make it as elegant as it deserves).... They're perfect, and breathtaking and beautiful.
It's ok now. Everything is ok.

Climb a mountain if I have to...

"I am Frin's inflamed sense of rejection."

The words: "Fucking FUCK" and "narrowminded biggotry"
come to mind. I'm sorry, Hannah.
"I'm sorry you have to go through this. Call again if you need. Have a good night."
I just... it hurts. And there's nothing I can do. That's all.

I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacy's Mom

This morning I got up at 4:40 (I hadn't slept -actually no, I lie, i slept for about 5 minutes after Hannah got up) and then I had a spectacular morning.
It consisted of: Snuggling. Sipping tea and stalking Hannah from outside the kitchen window. Sitting on the wall I'm building. Smiling at footprints in the dust. Walking down the middle of the road. Catching the bus by chance. Disapproving looks from old people at the train station *giggle*. Seeing Ash and huggling her Mother. Writing notes in condensation backwards on windows. Miming/shrades. Watching the two of them laughing. Running beside the train until I couldn't keep up. Walking all the way home, humming silly songs (like "Stacy's Mom" and the "Super Sonic Theme"). Finding a Kookaburra's blue and brown feather. Navigating the streets. Seeing FOUR yellow-tailed black-cockatoo's in a tree beside the road and still being able to hear them squawking happily from over 100m away. And being utterly alone for ages at a time, just me, the road and the bush.
It was a lovely morning.

See also: "Photo blogging"

(And "Narrating in 5-year-old-style prose)
Today was perfect. I woke up too cold to sleep (which didn't really bother me, after all the birds were up and it was foggy, green, brown, yellow and lovely) at 6am, borrowed Lara's jumper, left our tent and introduced myself to Alex's horse.

After he wandered away, I found tea in the kitchen and made myself a cup, then I sat on the stairs drinking and smiling gently at everything until it was finished.

Ro woke up and sat with me. Eventually Charlotte came out, took our photo, and I made us all warm drinks (another tea for me, Milo for Ro and Coffee for Charlotte).


After a few hours of awakeness (which included commandeering Alex's computer and exchanging Lara's blue jumper for Ro's brown zip-up jacket) I crawled into Alex's tent and went to sleep. And hour and a half later, I woke up to the sound of birds and watched a spider get blown about in the wind until I decided to get up and find the others.... I went into the computer room and fell asleep on Ro's lap. And so it went for the entire day, waking up, talking to people, playing DS, stroking David's head (see below) and then falling back asleep.



And when Mum came to pick me up, I got to drive down Alex's road (not into town though... she doesn't handle the stress of her children driving too well). Yay for my spiffy new Learners Licence! I GOT 100%, take that standadised testing!!

Oh, Mrs O, will you tell us where the naughty children go?

So much happened last night I don't know where to begin to explain... I used up all my explanation in my e-mail to my beloved Kaylie... but I don't think I shall ever forget The Dresden Dolls... if only for Hannah.

I love moments with strangers. There was a man that was sitting on a bench watching the sun set when I was on my way back to the car with my fishing rod this afternoon. (I named him Eric) He smiled at me and asked "Did you catch anything?" I said "No, but that's not what I was here for." then we looked at the sunset together and it was perfect. So I grinned again and kept walking.
Living for those perfect life-confirming interactions with kind people. *happy sigh*

Seven on a scale from dead to breathing

My extensive plan for tomorrow (well, today actually, it being 12:28am and all):

I have to: wake up, book train ticket, print things for Miss Rackley, dress for school, ride to school, go to class, enjoy class, give print-outs and explain to Rackley how I totally fucked up my Drama work, ride home, check I've got my costume packed (at least three times), dye hair, shower extensively, find something awesome to wear until I change into my costume, wear the cool things I found, check I've packed my costume again, at 11:30 find credit cards and all nessacary information ect and prepare everything for getting AFI tickets, at 12 (as soon as the pre-sale goes on sale) get AFI tickets, ensure I have my Dresden Dolls ticket and check packing again, get to the train, ride train, change to different train, arrive at valley, make my way to the Arena, find friends, change into Batman costume, set up, perform, watch other performances (ZEN ZEN ZO!!!), (hopefully) meet Amanda and Brian, return home.

I best get off to bed then.

Dreaming my dreams with you

Lara and I talked until 2am yesterday - six hours in total.
I love good conversations. When I saw her this morning, it was almost like just saying hi was sharing a secret that only the two of us knew about..... *happy smile* "Fork."

Then you'll miss me, won't you

I had my window wound down when we stopped for a red light. The man in the car next door was singing to a song I'd never heard before.. I wanted to join him but I didn't know the words. I named him Tom and watched him intently until we drove away. I liked you Tom.

Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei

Translation: ''You want to leave but you don't want, don't want to'' (Yes, I adore that song... oh so dancy! Yay for gay Romanians!)

Steve Irwin's dead. I laughed. Everybody looked at me like I was heartless.
I mean, people die all the time, he had a good life, he enjoyed himself and all that. Go him, he died doing what he loved.
I would laugh if I died; not that that makes any sense, because I would be dead.. It's hard to explain. Eh, oh well.

I have the QCS Test (Queendsland Core Skills Test) tomorrow. It's scary yet awesome.... scary because I don't want to leave my friends yet, awesome because I have the rest of my life ahead of me (however long that may be) to do stuff... AWESOME!


Also, after extensive spider-discussion with Josh, I've come to the conclusion that more spiders should be shiny.. as if they're wearing vinyl (like mouse spiders).

What a wonderful caricature of intimacy

Frin: "Muuuuum he keeps trying to chew on everything I draw an- aaaaaaagh, he wiped his nose on my face!"
Mother: "It was because he loves you."
Frin: "...no, actually he was trying to bite me."

Why do birds suddenly appear

Flying through the air

Tiny pieces of metal

Glow yellow then fade

Sparks
(Note: blaming Amanda for starting Bad Haiku)

It feels good that my hands are dirty again. My arms ache, I'm sweaty and it's so hot I could do with a nice blizzard about now, but its great to be building with Dad again (even if it means I am out in a hoodie, long pants and steel-capped work boots under the boiling hot mid-day sun... curse you lack of Winter!! CURSE YOOOU!).

The impossible is possible tonight, tonight

My Pirate Party was awesome.

The only problem was that Chris didn't bring the Muppets Treasure Island for us to watch... because he rolled the Lancer. It's pretty much destroyed; there was only one window/panel intact... (the following picture was from the next morning -it happened at about 8:00pm- at the house of the man with the tow-truck. It is my understanding that the car is now destined for the wreckers)
Oh well. He wasn't even bruised and he got a nifty card from Freeman ("Dear Chris, Glad you didn't die. From, Your care teacher").

You say shotgun I say wedding

Today I read all of Invisible Monsters from beginning to end (again). Then listened to "Time To Dance" (P!ATD)... even with my aversion to "modern music" I must admit I really appreciate anything that incorporates Chuck Palahniuk's books into it...

I think.. I am a scared, confused little kid. Yeah.... I really am.

I console myself that Hallmark cards are true

Sub-Con was mind-blowingly amazing. Oh how I'd love to work for Zen Zen Zo!
I'd do most anything to be involved... but I'm scared that I've screwed up (school) so badly I won't get accepted into anything and now I'm just scared... *runs away*

But on the telephone line I
Am anyone
I am anything
I want to be
I could be a super model or
Norman mailer
And you wouldn't know the
Difference
On the telephone line I am
Any height
I am any age
I want to be
I could be a caped crusader or
Space invader
And you wouldn't know
The difference
Or would you

Lately I've been just existing. Which is ok, I guess. Sometime soonish I plan on moving up to "living" but until then, existing is tolerable.

Now I'm an amputee god damn you!

Today I rode my bike to school in a suit, fake nose, drawn-on moustache and plastic bowler hat.... all for the amusement of Ms Rackley. It worked. Her reaction: *laughter* "That's exactly how I pictured you!!"
You see, on the weekend I received this e-mail from her:

I feel like you need to come to school with a
moustache, hat and pipe - your email tag sounds quite
the detective. - ooohhh and a British accent. Yes -
(That'll do pig.)

After handing her the above 'business card' I made up and spending most of the lesson taking "detective notes" (the one she read as she walked past me read "Ms Rackley – leader?? Children – Stupid?") and actually WORKING (holy damn yes I love this unit!! Wooo Brecht! We're doing Homophobia -Quinn's script- and I'm the 'butch dyke lesbian' stereotype so I get to wear OVERALLS!! I haven't worn overalls since I was 10!! SQUEE!) I don't think she's mad at me anymore. I rule!
Well it's 11:25 and Rackley just told me in an e-mail that I might be able to GO TO SUB-CON WARRIOR 1 (which I have been whining over the fact that it's sold out and I can't go... but maybe I can)!! And that was my point, I have to see her before school, therefore I must sleep now so that I am able to be awake and at school at *gasp* 8am (THERE IS NO GOD!).

G'night Mr Journal. Things are looking pretty good today, let's just hope it stays that way.

Six different ways inside my heart

Mr Sartre has a pretty cool grave. Also, Existential yay for Existentialism (it's a good 'ism'). That is all.

And if the people stare then the people stare

Singstar, Halo 2 ("I've never seen somebody have so much fun whilst getting their ass kicked."), dog walking, Kaylie, Joshie, Kylie (see also: 'Kyle'), stories and sleep. Overlooking everything that was terrible (i.e. the first 15 hours of the day) 'yesterday' ('today' started 16 minutes ago) wasn't so bad.

(Role reversal) No entry today. No, not today.

It was in March of the winter I turned seventeen
That I bought those pills I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
It said it's not your fault, no, you've been good to me
It's just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank by herself

And I sat watching a flower as it was withering
I was embarrassed by its honesty
So I prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
And not this fucking wreck that's taken it's place

So please forgive what I have done
No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep

The spring came bearing sunlight, those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
My salvation it came quite suddenly
When Justin spoke very plainly

He said, Now of course it's your decision
But just so you know
If you decide to leave
Soon I will follow

I wrote this for a baby who is yet to be born
My brothers' first child, I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here, and it will be quite a shock
To breathe this air, to discover loss

So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arrive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies....
Just love
Just love
I will be pure
No, no, I know I will be pure
Like snow
Like gold
Like snow
Like gold

I'm not stupid, but I'm getting there.

(Yes, a title that is not from the song I'm listening to... because I'm not listening to music. Quote from Survivor - Palahnuik)

A moment of semi-joy: I'm off crutches. I'm now 'limpy' in lieu of 'hoppy'.

Car crashes happen. A lot lately. Rackley and Freeman are ok, bruised and sore, but ok. Bec is out of hospital. on crutches with a leg cast, sling and bandanna (to cover the cuts and bruises), but ok. The boy from grade 9 died at the scene. We're told on impact, or soon enough after that - before the pain had not fully kicked in. When I was told I smiled softly to myself and hoped he was happy... my Mum was shaken and said "His poor mother. Oh, that's terrible." I wondered if she would leave him flowers at his grave. Such a pointless, silly gesture. I think I would.
I don't make much sense, do I? Mmm. Odd day.
I feel more empathy for fictional characters these days. They make me cry, but when it's somebody I know, I find myself annoyed that I can't talk to them anymore, but there are no tears.
I'm re-thinking my tattoos. I still want them, but not for the reasons I used to have.
Right now, I feel empty. I think it's because I'm tired. It's 4am. Good morning.

I flee to Decemberunderground

I haven't said much in a while... this is because I've actually had important thoughts in my head... it's paradoxical in that when I have something worth writing about I useually don't because I'm too busy thinking it over. I assure you, I'm not as idiotc or as pompous as all these ramblings depict.

Oh well... I have no real reason or need to justify myself to you Internet, I'm silly, I'm childish, I'm pathetic, I think too much, I don't think enough, I eat copous amounts of food and drink obscene amounts of tea yet I think, right now, amid all the anger and frustration and crazy urges to jump in the air with joy (which I can't really fulfill right now *semi-broken foot*) I'm really quite happy. And that's something. That's qute something indeed.
:kaylie::heart::frin: Also, for the record, I loves you Kayable, kitten.

Let me now now... let me be...

(No, I'm not listening to that song but Bec was just singing it over the phone to me.)

Missing my Beccy D, but she might be coming back to live in Gympsville! WOO! It was her 17th today. I swear she's had my Cranberries CD's, my Chuck Palahniuk books and my socks for over a YEAR now!!! (mock anger... it amuses me more than it does annoy me. Her stealing my possessions is kind of endearing in an odd way.)

Trefyn's party last night was nice. It was freezing in the park (I took great pleasure in 'breathing smoke' everywhere then cackling and trying to 'run' as fast as I could on crutches) and we played for a while (I was sad that I couldn't fully participate and do all the things I wanted to, but I got plenty of piggy backs when I was tired), then we went down into the skate bowl... I only fell once (but at that temperature on cement, it hurt far more than I would admit) which I insisted was 'strategic sitting' .... on my hands and face. =P Back at Treffy's house we all fell asleep watching Blade. I was freezing (Kelly took my 2nd blanket), but it was ok because in the morning Ro dived onto the mattress between Lara and I then let me cuddle against her until I was warm. It was nice, her jacket was like a cave of soft.

I should be packing for BrisneyLand (aah Brisbane and the endless ways to Americanise your name) right now. We go in two hours. *sigh* I want my foot back (or possibly a 'peg leg' so I could be a little more piratey - though I guess I would miss my real one after a while. It would be rad to be a cyborg pirate, like John Silver from Treasure Planet!!). Enough rambling. Farewell, I have procrastinated long enough.

Now he's bleedin' in a vacant lot

Things not worth saying 101.2
-When Dad came home the first thing he said to me was a question about wether I “…did anything productive today” (I had to fight the urge to point out that ‘productive’ is a relative idiom… the urge to tell him about the young minds that he is manipulating and the urge to ask if he thinks it’s “Worth it”… if he feels it’s his ‘place’ to screw with the minds of others… [/annoyance] then again I don’t really mind). Later he said to me that he thought I was “paralysed” the response I came up with in my head was comparable to a conversation I had with Ro once (I’m so much more articulate in conversation then on paper… probably because in conversation the ideas speak for themselves and if you’re waffling on, you can do it quickly so people don’t notice. On paper everything can be judged, assessed picked apart and demerited) which was in an entry a few weeks ago.

Rugby Leauge 1.0
*sings "Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday night's alright!!"*
We won the game! 30 to 6 (they only scored once, with three minutes to go)!! WOO!! I love Stare Of Origin! *grins foolishly* The half-time phone call was awesome as always. Sometimes I really love that darn Trefyn... I barely remember what we talked about, but it was nice, just talking. I was reminded of the time I called her and we talked for an hour and a half (but then we got disconnected. I called back and we spoke for another half hour before Mr Francis got mad at us and say we had to get off the phone), I'd never been on the phone to anyone for longer than ten minutes before that day... :) Memories.

Things not worth saying 101.3
-*sigh* Some Dresden Dolls lyrics keep swirling around in my head… “I used to be the smart one, sharp as a tack. Funny 'bout how skipping years ahead has held me back. I used to be the bright one, top in my class. Funny what they give you when you just learn how to ask. I used to be the bright one, smart as a whip. Funny how you slip so far when teachers don’t keep track of it. ”
But to explain all the reasons behind that would make my fingers very sore from typing.
-I just want my damn foot back. ARGH!! Physical immobility wreaks havoc with my mental stability!!

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

Wow.. Decemberundergroud was... *is semi-speechless*

I listened to it for the first time and I was like "what just happened?" and then again, and I started recognising choruses, then again, and again and again, noticing different things and thinking about it in different ways. It so unlike anything... yet so.. obviously familiar. It's like falling into them all over again.

I nearly missed my dentist appointment because I didn't hear my name being called out (then I accidentally crinkled the edge of the CD booklet *GASP*) the song ended and I got the message. Despite a bit of difficulty getting everything in order (crutches ect) I got in there and everything went well. Lying back on the chair listening to Prelude 12/21 play in my head I makde patterns with the tiles on the ceiling (I think that's why they have them there) whilst they picked at my teeth and told me they looked good. The dentist and her assistant had the same eyes, a deep dark brown that reminded me a bit of 'Bottle Green' and made my start to smile until I remembered they were trying to look in my mouth.

Also, I have decided that I shall stop wiggling my toes every hour or so 'just to check if my foot is still broken' it's silly and it's really starting to hurt a lot. And I'm still waiting for somebody to say something along the lines of "Did you have a fall, child?" So I can smile, suppress a laugh, say yes, and think of pre-schoolers going off a cliff (it's an AFEE thing).

---

3:36am (*smiles at time*)

Ugh. That was the THIRD time I have hit myself in the mouth with the wrench I'm playing with.. you'd think I'd have enough had-eye coordination not to smack myself in the face and make my lip bleed... you'd think I would have learnt after the first time that it's unevenly weighted but noooooo. Now my lip stings and is all puffy. Drat.

But that wasn't what I was going to write about. I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate all the stupid little things that I love so much. Like cheese. The past two hours I have included a piece of cheese and my Dresden Dolls DVD. I was really utterly happy to be watching them perform whilst I ate my cheese. It was nice.

This time you're much too slow

I went to school for about an hour today. It was wretched. Crutches hurt. A lot. My entire body aches from getting myself about and the pain medication is still making me throw up. I sat in the office feeling nauseous and uncared about for part of that hour, waiting for Dad to take me home. I only went because Quinny asked, she told me on the phone she wanted to play with my crutches. When I got there, she didn't.

But when I got back home things went alright. It started out as such:













Then Roy happened:













He fell asleep and I spent most of the day like this:

















(He's asleep on my lap. Note the elevated foot)

Mum's taking me to Brisbane tomorrow (dentists appointments that she made when I told her D was coming out on 06.06.06 and that I wouldn't be going to school anyway) so I shall have it in 12 hours! YAY! I best be off to bed. Farewell dear Journal!

bleh

Today, for the most part, was horrible. I guess i should tell you the whole story Mr Journal. It all started yesterday morning when I was too excited to sleep. All I could think about was AFI, so I decided, to pass the few hours I had left to watch Edward Scissorhands. My lips were really dry and starting to hurt and I needed tissues (because I have a cold) so I decided to creep up to my room and get what I needed. On the way back down the stairs (there's 10 and it's pitch black at night) I got distracted (by a thought about AFI) and -unknowingly- counted a step twice. I put my foot out for what should be step 10 and fell forward with all my weight landing on my left foot that hit the tiles. I heard a snapping noise (which scared me) then I was a few moments before I could even moan because it hurt so much. I managed to feebly call out to Dad who eventually, when he heard me, leapt out of bed and ran down to me. He checked that I was ok, called out to Mum and ran off (at the time I had no idea where he went.. it turned out he was still drunk from the evening before and jumping out of bed so quickly made him ill - he was throwing up in the bathroom). By then I was in shock and shaking violently, Mum got a blanket for me and went to ask Dad what we should do. It was decided I should go to hospital. I dragged myself to the car whilst Chris complained "You never let me go to the hospital when Frin gets hurt!". So he was allowed to be the driver (he had got his licence that afternoon) letting Dad stay home to get some sleep.

Ugh.. I'm sick of talking about this and I feel like I'm going to throw up again (pain medication sucks).. I'll finish tomorrow.

I'll die drowned by your standards

I had the most horrid *censored* morning/day. (save for the fact that my darling Kayistine cherred me up and made me better! :)

Ugh. From a conversation with Ro:

"When you truly think about it you’ll find that there are no actual long-time goals in life. To me there’s no other meaning than getting happiness out of a certain moment in time. Unfortunately we live in a society that virtually forbids us to do so. We have to live according to rules that are based upon greed, tradition, religion or just plain and simple lies (which are rarely plain and never simple). These rules are designed to keep us small and closed-minded so we feel like we’re ‘doing the right thing’ with our lives. We have to look forward, make plans, and reach important lifetime goals. Most importantly, we are taught that we must never stand still."

"I just want out, to be left alone and to not have to deal with these idiotic pressures all the time. Grrr."

But, these is always tomorrow (which happens to start in about 10 minutes). I shall try again then. *insert inspirational quote about courage here*

Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses and sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses at the shade of the sheets before all the stains

I've always had "favourite random bits of information" like the fact that 300tonnes of meteor dust hits the Earth every day (WOW!) or how that gentlemen (I forget his name) died leaning against his fireplace mantel "just to prove it could be done" and now I have a new one! Sonoluminescence! First off, it's an awesome word. But the really awesome thing is what it is….

"Sonoluminescence is the emission of light by bubbles in a liquid excited by sound.
The mystery of how a low-energy-density sound wave can concentrate enough energy in a small enough volume to cause the emission of light is still unsolved. It requires a concentration of energy by about a factor of one trillion. To make matters more complicated, the wavelength of the emitted light is very short - the spectrum extends well into the ultraviolet. Shorter wavelength light has higher energy, and the observed spectrum of emitted light seems to indicate a temperature in the bubble of at least 10,000 degrees Celsius, and possibly a temperature in excess of one million degrees Celsius.
Such a high temperature makes the study of sonoluminescence especially interesting for the possibility that it might be a means to achieve thermonuclear fusion. If the bubble is hot enough, and the pressures in it high enough, fusion reactions like those that occur in the Sun could be produced within these tiny bubbles." Source

Wow! How randomly awesome! A few minutes ago I had never even considered anything like it! I feel the need for some sort of ranting about Operation D.O.O.M. so I'm off to get my lab coat and to find Roy. He will have to listen to me; otherwise he won't get patted! *cackles*

My reflection, (dirty mirror) there's no connection to myself

I have a list of books from my childhood that I want to re-read...but.. well.. most of them were read to me in class (Mrs Coats read us some brilliant books) and I’d go back to primary school just for Wednesday afternoon reading sessions. It's quite silly I know, but I truly love to be read to. If my Mum came up to me tonight and offered to read "James and the Giant Peach" –a book I vaguely remember being read when I was about 6 years old- (I loved Roald Dahl. I still do in fact. Seriously, who doesn't? "Puppy sodomizing murder's" you cry? No, I disagree, I'm sure at least some of them like him, too.) I would say "Do lets!" and would listen for as long as she wished to read.

*sigh*

I want somebody who loves me enough to read to me in this room, with a book, at this very moment. This is where having a 'significant other' could be handy. That and body warmth. My room has been so freezing lately that as I was dropping off to sleep a few nights ago I was making jokes in my head about hiring some random person to sleep in my bed and therefore keep it warm (but that's kind of creepy so I discounted it on the basis that I probably wouldn't sleep unless I trusted them).

Ok. Enough Of my creepy thoughts for one day, I'm going to go read to myself. Fare thee well!

Prescribed pills to offset the shakes

I had the best dream last night it was so crazy, and none of it was scary!
At first I was walking through our house, except it was HUGE and made with a 'log cabin' style (everything was wood). I got to my brothers room and for some reason (I forget now) I was lying on the floor and looking up at his ceiling when I realised the whole thing was covered with A4 sheets of dark green paper! In the centre were three smallish AFI posters and it all (paper included) was covered in clear plastic contact (the sort of stuff one would put over your school books)!! I remember being most upset because it turned out that I had gone to Chris' room to retrieve said AFI posters because my wall (which had been too full to house them earlier apparently) now had room. Unfortunately, with my posters contacted to his ceiling there was nothing that I could do but wander back to my own room. On my way there I was looking through all the rooms (I didn't find it strange that I couldn't remember where mine was) when I came across one filled with bunk beds; it was "the servants quarters". Inside there was this lady (the cook) who had a large wooden bowl filled with some sort of food/soup stuff. (and here comes the odd yet hilarious part) She was stirring it with a lizard's tail... as in, she had a lizard in her hand and its (perfectly stiff and straight) tail was in the bowl as she moved it around in circles. We talked (I can't remember what about) and she periodically squeezed the lizard so that it coughed up some purpley stuff (that was apparently part of the sauce. I don't know how I knew that, but at the time it was obvious that it made perfect sense – dreams are great like that). Then there was this part where we were flying through space being chased by this tenticled creature that I somehow knew was a pirate rival... but I can't quite think how that turned out (I blame my watching of the Pirates Of The Caribbean 2 trailer for that part of the dream though). Oh well, that's all I really remember, and it probably didn't make any sense whatsoever. Anyhow, now that's chronicled for the ages, I'm off to bed to smile at Kaylie's comic then sleep. Hopefully I'll have another great dream! *grins*

Da da da daaa da da daa (Superman theme)

I WENT TO MOVIE WORLD!!! It was so awesome!!
AHEM *clears throat and prepares for 'telling the entire day minute-by-minute-until-I-get-bored' story mode* The day all started at about 6:30am [ insert shuddering at the un-godly-earliness here - only half past CRAWL HOME DRUNK O'CLOCK] when I woke up/showered/dressed/packed ect then got in the car at about 7. It was beautifully foggy but the car was moving too fast for me to get any photos and I was too sleepy to fully comprehend how beautiful it was. We arrived at the bus pick up point (luckily my parents love me, because they had to get up and drive me... I don't understand why both of them came though - Mum's dependency on Dad is a little scary sometimes) with 15 minutes to spare (i.e. 7:15) and found David shivering in the cold. I went and shivered with him and he tried to give me his jacket. [insert gentle smile about his kindness here] Awww. I, of course, declined (Me, cold?!? Never!!) and invited him back to my car where we could wait in heated awesomeness. And so it was until THE BUS ARRIVED!!

Actually, screwed detailed chronicalling. Here's a photo instead:













(pictured - Frayer, Myself, Lara and behind us: Ro and David)

Frankness (a.k.a. honnesty)

(the first post in forever without lyrics as the title)

2:10am

I want to be that person… the one people think of and smile. The one they refer to fondly.. even though they haven’t seen me for years, and probably never will again. I want to be loved, respected… most of all I want to KNOW, beyond all self-doubt that I am worth it. Just worth it, worth being alive, worth eating plants and animals that have to die for my food, worth the heart-break of my loved ones when I die, worth being the kid that was always thinking and talking and running.. or just walking. Just worth being alive. That’s what I want.

I like breathing.

I want somebody to write the sort of thing that Hunter S. Tompson’s wife wrote about him ( "...He told me 25 years ago that he would feel real trapped if he didn't know that he could commit suicide at any moment. I don't know if that is brave or stupid or what, but it was inevitable. I think that the truth of what rings through all his writing is that he meant what he said. If that is entertainment to you, well, that's OK. If you think that it enlightened you, well, that's even better. If you wonder if he's gone to Heaven or Hell —rest assured he will check out them both, find out which one Richard Milhous Nixon went to —and go there. He could never stand being bored. But there must be Football too —and Peacocks..."), but of course, about me. I mean, I want them to know me that well... know that I adore tea for it's 'sugary milk', to know that I giggle endlessly at pointless things just because I like to giggle, to know that I planned to carve my own gravestone because I thought that I could do it justice (I wanted the Art Of Drowning angel grave).. I just want somebody who knows me to hold me at night and to love me. To love me and to know enough about me that I no longer have to explain myself, that they have a free invitation to my world at anytime, as long as they love me.

Quinn and I were talking about ‘fear’ last week… and I couldn’t come up with anything that I was really, truly afraid of. I mean, yes there are many things that I greatly dislike (cruelty for example would be right at the top of the list… possibly followed by the death of somebody I adore – that thought made me sad) but nothing I am unreasonably afraid of. Death? No.. not even death. I don’t want to die… simply because I don’t think I’ll ever “finish” living… there’s just so much out there… I could never get sick of this world. Never. That is why I intend to live forever. For I have no doubt that it can be done.

-
3:49am

I was just sitting and ‘fantasizing’ (more ‘considering’ really) what I would do if a large, relatively ugly man suddenly appeared in the doorway I was staring at and tried to attack me with an axe. I decided it would be best if I ran at him then ducked so he got his axe stuck in the wall whilst I ran upstairs and alerted my family... I’m glad I’ve got a plan.. that situation could be quite ‘hairy’ (not in the literal sense of course). Now I’m paranoid and I keep glancing over to the doorway as I type.. I think I’ll go to the kitchen and get another glass of water.

I must have seen 50 LEDs from various electrical objects shining back at me during my journey from the soft orange glow of the refrigerator light (which lasted only as long as it filled my glass of water) to the friendly, clean light of the computer screen. Oh dear computer.. I wonder how many countless weeks we have spent together over the years. I will miss you when I leave.

I just found a packet of gum! Fantastic!

It was accidentally on purpose

We're getting a cat! We went to pick him up a few hours ago but alas he was hiding and could not be found.. so he will be dropped off sometime tomorrow. YAY!! *excitement* The only problem is that technically Chris claimed him thus the silly nong is naming him Roy (Roy is such a stupid name..he named it after this retarded anime character "Mr Mustang") but still.. we get A CAT!! *dances*

The discussion we just had about Roy’s name went as such:
"Even Megan thinks it's dumb."
"I think Megan's dumb."
"No you don't."
"...for the purpose of this argument." *shuts the door and runs to his room*

The rape of the world

I am officially disgusted with humanity. Utterly disgusted. I was watching (kind of.. I was actually doodling on a napkin at the kitchen table whilst the TV was on) this idiotic show called "20 to 1 : Tears and Tantrums" and I couldn't believe it, 'celebrities' peoples 'role models' were condoning fighting in parliament, neighbourhood disputes, ad campaigns that show children trowing tantrums that say "Use a condom." Seriously people, what the FUCK? Just when I think humanity has reached its lowest point they break out the shovels.

Why do the babies starve
When there's enough food to feed the world
Why when there're so many of us
Are there people still alone

Why are the missiles called peace keepers
When they're aimed to kill
Why is a woman still not safe
When she's in her home

Love is hate
War is peace
No is yes
And we're all free

But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon

Amidst all these questions and contradictions
There're some who seek the truth

But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon
When the blind remove their blinders
And the speechless speak the truth

I'm.. confused. Annoyed even... Am I the only one that cares? Truly, am I? Damn it, it feels as if there's nothing that can be done. I want to create a utopia.. or at least as near a utopia as I can manage. Seriously, I need economists, sociologists, governmental-ists.. the whole shebang. I want to form a committee to create an ideal society and just set it up - maybe in a country such as Africa. Maybe it could spread from there, and maybe, just maybe this world won't go down the proverbial drain.


On a totally unrelated note: I made a discovery this afternoon... whilst getting together my usual evening cup of tea (I like to put the sugar and milk in the cup first) I decided to drink my sugary milk, to my delight it was delicious! I now know why I like tea, I actually love sugar and milk, the tea just gives it extra (tasty) flavour!

I know, I'm no Superman

Wow. I haven't bloggerised in ages...
Lots of things have happened. I've 'recovered' (mostly) from Sebastian's... death and am trying not to dwell upon it. The deck is coming along awesomely and I am now the proud owner of the Sin City graphic novels 1, 2 and 3. I made my parents watch the movie tonight... Mum spent most of the time 'dozing' because it was 'scary'; when she did watch she asked things like, "Who's he? Didn't he die?" "No Mum, he just got shot six or so times." I don't think Dad particularly enjoyed it either, but oh well, I had fun.

What I wanted to write about was this afternoon - one of those 'things to remember'... I baked cookies (chocolate chip... just made the recipe up as I went along, as usual) then called Nomes and said "I have a Disney movie that needs watching and cookies in the oven, how soon can you be here?" In about 30 seconds she was on her way, and five minutes later I was tackled by a grinning bouncing Nomie asking what movie we were going to see (Atlantis).
It was nice, nothing marvellous happened but we ate our cookies and drank our milk contentedly, happy in each other's company. We also debated who was 'hotter' (animated characters, no less) and, as always, I went for the girl and she went for the boy. :P Heh, some things just don't change... and you know what? I hope they never do.

...watched the light shine down on the broken glass

I just don't know what to say.
To myself.. to anybody.
I feel like sighing and saying "Ho hum" (mostly as it's a funny thing to say but also because I don't think I've ever said that before).

Today so much happened... I just want to write some things down, so that I don't forget.

1. I got to bed quite early this morning and didn't wake up until 10am. I missed Drama, when Quinn and I were to have our picnic. But I got to school, at morning tea, and there she was, smiling at me as she took the jam I offered and sat on the ground with me to eat our scones, laughing at me and asking if I would go to SA staffroom to borrow a knife seeing that I forgot to bring one. The scones were lovely and our little picnic group expanded when Kaihla and Casey joined us. It was nice, and I was content.

2. I got to the Study room and found Quinn's bag which had her school captain badge from 2001 (primary school). I took it and, grinning, pined it to my shirt then lay on the floor next to Nomes (who was reading). She gently played with my hair for ... I don't know how long.. until I fell asleep. I was stirred by voices and semi-opened my eyes to see that Quinny had returned. I smiled and reached up to her (I felt like a little child wanting a hug from their Mummy) then she took my hand and said softly "Stay here baby, I'll only be a minute; just rest." I watched her go and fell back asleep on the floor feeling loved.

3. When Quinn returned we migrated to PA... I was lying on top of the bag racks taking to Nomes (sitting in the rack beneath me) and Quinnabee (back to the wall, facing me) when, for whatever reason, Quinny decided that she would very much like to scream. Nomes agreed that she would too ( I laughed and said 'Don't be silly! You'll get in trouble') and so Quinn counted down "3.. 2... 1... AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Mr Cavinar (holding a class in B6) called me over and got mad at me for screaming I explained that it wasn't me (he couldn't see Nomes or Quinn, because they were hidden by the bag racks) and so he instructed me to pass on the message that screaming is not allowed. Which I did. Quinny promptly decided that as she was not done screaming, we would walk to the car park and scream there. I refused to participate but went with them. Then a year 11 walking past as they were joyously screaming remarked "I'd scream too if I had to look in the mirror and see that face." I turned swiftly, and punched him. I don't even think I properly balled my fist it happened so fast, but I caught his jaw and he instantly recoiled; swearing. Satisfied I'd proved my point I went over to Nomes and Quinn informing them I had defended their honour and rubbing the bruise already reddening my knuckles.
I hadn't punched somebody in over a year. It felt good, especially because I was being 'valiant' and friend-avenging.

4. I skipped merrily over to H block and everybody present indulged me in a hug. I like that.. Ro was explaining to me how she has some sort of 'motherly complex'.. I think I have the opposite, a kind of 'child complex'; I like to be held.

5. I talked to Kirra. Alot. About drawing, writing, music, life, sex**, people, friends.. and then suicide (about Sarah. She assumed I knew, but I had no idea.). I want to talk to her more often. She is amazing, if I didn't already care for her as a friend I think I would get a crush on her (not that I need another one).

** This was a group conversation between Kirra, Ryan, Bridgette and myself. I was shocked that Ryan was the only virgin*and again when I heard what Bridge said about Hannah and Kylie... I always thought they were so innocent.
*I hate that word and what it represents. Virgin. It even sounds stupid. Most of all I hate the knowledge that it hasn't applied to me since I was five years old.
(I don't care how long/rambling/awkward/grammarless any of those sentences were. It makes sense to me)

There was much more that happened today. But that's all I need to remember.
I feel a little better now. Not quite so drained.

Throw me away

Ugh... I'm so all over the place lately; one minute I'm singing and dancing joyously to The Cure, then the next I'm sulky and annoyed with myself... nothing seems good enough, no matter what I do, and the bouts of happiness are fleeting. I'm tired, but I can't sleep.. and even when I do I wake up tired. I need help.. I need to regain the excitement and joy... I need to learn how to fucking draw, I want to do this so badly.. but no matter how I try it never comes out any where near as good in my head. I'm going to let my beloved Kaylie down.. I just can't seem to do her story justice...

The song 'File 13' (a particular favourite of mine, I must admit) truly applies...
I sleep until there is no light. I'm wide-awake all through the night. Dinner may suck but I'll take a bite, I'll do whatever I can. My muscles stiffen through the day. Discomfort never goes away. Someone should throw me away. I feel like a garbage can. Throw me away, I've got no use. Throw me away, I'm nothing to loose. Throw me away, I feel like shit. I am useless. I know I know nothing at all I'd take a stand but I know I'd fall. I'd run head-down into a wall and watch my blood run faster. Girls laugh and pass me on the street. I spook out everyone I meet. I've got pink toenails on my feet. I'm such a fucking master. Throw me away, I've got no use. Throw me away, I'm nothing to loose. Throw me away, I feel like shit. I am useless. I never seem to feel well. I always seem to look like hell. It seems that everyone can tell my mind is going numb. My Mom thinks I wear women's clothes. I get dogged on at all the shows. It seems that everybody knows, I look like a fucking bum! Throw me away, I've got no use. Throw me away, I'm nothing to loose. Throw me away, I feel like shit. I am useless!

I wish I could be the artist that everybody tells me I am.

*sigh* I need to get out of this rut.
I'm going to get Jam and make Quinny some chocolate for our picnic tomorrow. She promised to make me scones... hopefully that will cheer me up. Now all I have to do is survive until then.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you...

Two nights ago I looked up at the stars and cried...
...they are so beautiful.

So I keep my mouth-

Just so I don't forget to check back, I'm writing myself a 'Blog' reminder. (sadly, I am becoming complacent with that toilet-related.... word)

Dear self, you recently wrote an email:

Hello there!

My name is Frin and whilst on the hunt for something to do this hideously sunny day I decided to poke around on the inter-web… I then got distracted and raided the fridge which ended with me getting hit in the face with a grape; which was all very nasty and completely irrelevant to the point of this e-mail. Not-so-pertinent stories aside, I survived, got back to my computer and eventually I came across your JTHM site. Needless to say I think it’s one of the better ones out there (and lets face it, there’s an ass-load of them), so props to you dear site designer!

Anyhoots I suppose I should press on with my trawling through the depths of human knowledge (with the aid of Google and Wikipedia, no less) but before I do I shall attach my own JTHM computer background which I made many a moon ago using Photoshop, The Directors Cut (which after owning for a good long time I only realised Jhonen used blood on the cover art when I scanned it) and my beloved scanner which hardly ever works… but again, I digress, my apologies.

In conclusion; nice website, attached is my contribution if you’ll have it.

-Frin

:to a girl (you assume) about her (his? their?) JTHM website. This is your official 'note to self' reminder to check their site in a few weeks to see if they put your picture up.
HERE
That is all.

Edit: Oh yeah!! It's on her site! My ruling of the universe is one step closer to completion.. or something. WOO!

I only ask you turn away

"You tell yourself that noise is what defines silence. Without noise, silence would not be golden. Noise is the exception. Think of deep outer space, the incredible cold and quiet […]. Silence, not heaven, would be reward enough."

Note to self: Buy better earplugs.

One can only feel desolate for so long....

....until one starts to change into something the mirror doesn't recognise.

I'm so sick of 'falling down' (metaphorically speaking - I'm not very clumsy these days), and I'm getting even sicker of getting back up. School has drained so much from me I've gotten to the point where all I have to do is think about a subject and I've had as much of it as I can take. It's the same as living here... I'm trapped, the only room I can stand being in is this damn 3m X 4m computer room (holding cell) because every other place in the house is constantly invaded by the intolerable disruption of the boy's music. I can't take it... if I go to the toilet I want to go deaf so I don't want the bass or heavy guitar line of whatever he's listing to to disturb and penetrate my thoughts any further.. sometimes I just want quiet, and somewhere comfortable to read, but I can't even get that. I used to be able to tolerate it (the incessant noise) but the years have ground away my resistance and now the slightest tremor through the floor is enough to make me cry with frustration. I need a break, I need to get away, but I don’t have the time, or anywhere to go. Right now I'd settle for somewhere undisturbed that I could call my own to forego all these damn unwanted responsibilities for a while... I'm so tired of failing.

"Holding your head up is hard when you just want to stay on the ground."

The state of the world 1.0

If you don’t want to read the whole thing, that’s cool, just go to the link!! *cackles manically*

Who here remembers Operation D.O.O.M. (Destroy O.O. Mankind.... I've since forgotten what the two 'O's stood for, but I do remember it made me giggle... I was in hysterics that first day I came up with it)? And who also remembers the time I calculated (as part of operation D.O.O.M.) what would happen if the entire population of the word jumped in the same spot at the same time? If you remember that you also might remember that I found it negligible (even though it took me a hours of reading and doing calculations, then days of factoring in variables and making assumptions) and that the Earth would carry on it normal orbit.... These findings and my strangeness aside, I want everybody to participate in:

WORLD JUMP DAY

Seriously people, it's something that I would have come up with (if I hadn't became bored and went to watch cartoons then got allured by the fact that Australia has the most Uranium in the entire world.. which we shall all remember now and shake our heads...)!! That notwithstanding, it's sheer genius (even if it is a load of crap)!! Think what would happen if we could get it on the news and force everybody who cared about their world out into the street to jump!! That's working on society's many problems right there; increasing motivation and caring for the planet, forcing the overweight to exercise and giving them self-confidence/self-pride (in that because they are heavy, they probably moved the earth more than Mr.Skinny down the road did) not to mention the sense of unity and love of the outdoors! It's sheer brilliance, and I encourage you all to participate! Remember those stupid ads that used to be on TV "PARTICIPATE!! FEEL GREAT!!" ? Just think of them (unless you're like me and want to punch the people on that add in their smug, perky little faces)!
C'mon everybody, get in there and save your world!! ..or move it.. whatever.

Drowned in flames is where I can be found

I know it’s nearly 2am and I have to get up in about four or so hours, but I have to write this now or I never will…

I did all the wrong things, I said all the wrong things, broke your heart and further damaged mine, all because I was scared… scared of the fact that you reminded me too much of her, and that I reminded me too much of me.
She never cut until she met me… did you? I doubt it. She never burnt either.. she never listened to hardcore music or dyed her hair black, sure she liked the ‘dark side of humanity’ but it was me that showed it to her... me that in doing so destroyed he last few tatters of her innocence and me that finally left her because she was too broken, far too far gone, too manipulative and no longer the person I fell in love with.
I doubt that would’ve happened with you, but enough happened to scare me… that first night, I didn’t stop you because of Lara next door, I stopped you because it was exactly how it happened with her… You must understand, as much as I hurt her… she broke me. Yes, I’m ok (mostly) now.. yes, I’ve forced myself to ‘get over it’, but still.. the scar (the wound) remains.
I never really gave you a reason... I didn't really have one to give. I told you all I could bear to, even against my better judgment, that's how much I value you.. I couldn't even bring myself to lie to you, even if it was for your protection. I gave you some (most) of the thoughts that led up to the decision but I don’t think it was enough to help you to understand. I still don't have much of a reason for you now, just fragments from my shattered consciousness, fragments in picking up I hope you might be able to understand, maybe even accept and be ok with all of this... That's probably too much to hope for, but all I really want is you to feel better, maybe some good come of it.. I'd like to think that some did.
But none of that is what I wanted to say... Mostly I just want to say I’m sorry to you. I should never have asked in the first place, I’m not good with relationships… I’m sorry, so very sorry… Mostly sorry that there’s nothing I can do to make everything better for you, if I had a magic wand I would, but I don’t and I can’t. Just know that I’ve never thought any less of you for any reason; this wasn’t your doing. You’ve always been that funny, interesting girl around to brighten my day, and I thank you deeply for that. Whatever you need, I’m here to help, all right? I hope you’re having a good night right now, and sleeping as peacefully as I am picturing you, just a few streets away…

Somehow I ended up here...

An open letter to myself...

Dear Frin,
Fuck you, that’s peremptory.
What the hell are you doing with your life? You’re screwing up all over the place and crying to yourself isn’t helping, it’s just plain week…. FUCK YOU! You know, you’re somewhat narcissistic (I mean, you have to be, you’re writing a god damned letter to your self!), you’re eccentric, the things you are about are trivial, you’re (seemingly) always angry of late (but too tired to express it), you’re a bad kid to your parents, you never organise or plan things.. ARGH! I mean, sure happy go lucky is a fine way to go thorough life when you don’t have commitments or responsibilities, but you’ve got school to worry about (yeah, worry yourself ‘sick’ with).. which is another thing, what the hell is with feeling nauseous all the time, well not all the time but a damn ‘good’ percentage? It doesn’t help, it’s all in your head so just please, get the fuck over yourself. This was a lot longer until I started to type… I guess it fizzled out, but I’ll let you know the rest sometime soon.
That is all for today… we’ll see how you do tomorrow.
Yours in exasperation,
Frin

(Note: Anybody reading this other than me please understand that I can deal with criticism from myself - I’m used to it, I understand exactly where it’s coming from and in the end I know I do not dislike who I am, yes there are bits that make me mad, bits I wish to change, but on the whole I’m ok. Please, don’t even attempt to criticize me like I do, nothing good can come of it.) Oh and if you don’t like it, don’t read it. This is my… journal – I refuse to use the ‘b’ word – I can do whatever the hell I want with it you self-appointed Journal dictators!!